Humorous Scottish Jokes and Funny Stories - 1

Scottish

What do you call a Scottish parrot?
A macaw.

Scottish

Did you hear about the shark that lives in Loch Ness?
It's called Loch Jaws.

Scottish

A little Scottish boy ran into the house and said to his father, ''I've just saved twenty pence by running home from school behind the bus.'' His father replied, ''that's good but you could have saved £2 by running home behind a taxi.''

Scottish

Hamish was travelling by train from Edinburgh to London so he went to the train station and handed over money for his ticket. The ticket clerk handed over the ticket and said, ''by the way, change at York.'' ''I'll have mine now, if you don't mind,'' said Hamish.

Scottish

Last night there was a big argument in a Glasgow cinema. Two men were trying to get in using one ticket - they said they half-brothers.

Scottish

Have you heard about the Scotsman who gave a present of fifty pounds each to an Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman?
Nor has anyone else.

Scottish

Did you hear about the man who gave up making haggis?
He didn't have the guts for it anymore.

Scottish

A Scots woman goes in a dry cleaning shop and says to the shop owner, ''Can I sit down for a wee while, I have a bairn.'' The posh shop owner replies, ''I'm sorry, we don't repair scorched clothing.''

Scottish

What did one highland cow say to the other?
Och, aye the moo!

Scottish

John McDougal heard about a doctor who charged ten pounds for the first consultation but only three pounds for every subsequent visit. So he walked into the doctor's surgery and announced, 'Here I am again, doctor.' 'Just keep up the treatment I prescribed last time,' said the doctor, who was also a Scotsman.